Monday, September 24, 2012


something that bothers me is the worry that sometimes it isn't possible to look without there being some kind of an appropriation occurring......this is why porn is........strange for me.  i love how men look but sometimes i think it is awfully darn hard to not cross over that line.  there's an acquaintance i know from the gay men's choir.....every young man in the vicinity is aggressively ogled and leered upon....he's unrelenting.  (i think i've called him an eye-fucker/rapist)   i think it is a pathology, maybe?  it makes me tired just to imagine the investments of his energies to no good end.  i think being a troll is less to do with looks than with attitude.  oh, i guess he imagines his "successes" paint us green with envy  as he prances about with the newest boyfriend (bought and paid for) on his arm.  i do wonder where he shops.....where do they make these young guys struggling to be arch and queenly at such tender ages!?!   i imagine someone hunched over a metal-press cookie-cutter stamping out these fresh victims


today, everything hurts......i woke myself with a groan.  today, it's the hands more than anything else.

another problem with seeing is there is no truly effective way of UN-seeing something.  everyone, if they've not lived inside a bubble, has seen something that they had rather not have seen.  working in a hospital, i think (sometimes) that i've seen far too much.  i don't like pain, suffering, and death in my "entertainment" so much these days.  i definitely wish i could un-see Salo' by Passolini.  i know there are artistic arguments but.........i remain unconvinced.

i didn't go out this weekend.  i stayed home and re-read The Odyssey.