Thursday, May 2, 2013

gilt-edged, glamorous, sleek-by-design. jealous by nature, false, and unkind

this is from an email i sent about a year after i gave up the "Metro" life and returned to the deepest South.....some friends of mine in Manhattan were wanting to collect some Southern "gay" memories and this was my offering.....Lola declared that i was her hero for it and wondered if i were one of those boys who had to go to the "special" prayer room while everyone else at Baptist summer camp sang all 2000 verses of "Just As I Am". i didn't say then and i certainly will not say now.....but here it is, enjoy!(*warning, i'm a notorious potty mouth so my language can be kind of rough sometimes*)

Hey Lo!!
got in and did something shocking.....i wanted some noise so i turned on the tv and apparently i get a new satellite channel on the is the RFD channel and it is a hoot!! the show that was on was about classic tractors! most of the people seemed to be on the older side but some of the younger fellas were hotties!!!! give me a farm boy over those high ciditty sophisticates, anyday!! a featured story on the program was how this cute old couple met at a tractor meet......she is a fan of John Deere tractors and he is a fan of Allis-Chalmers tractors but despite this difference in preference they got married at a big classic tractor show in Florida. hmmm.....i'll have to watch my calendar and go to one or two......'cause they ain't no luvin' like some redneck luvin'. i'm so tired i'm giddy and stupid but i guess it is because i have a weakness for the farmboys back when i was in highschool.....those pretty, kewl FFA jackets they wore and their tight jeans with the big clunky brogan type boots. first bunky i got was in the 'cab' of a big ol' John Deere tractor cuttin' hay. truly, a classic Southern moment...two sweaty FFA/4-H teenage boys bouncin' round on that big mean green gets sticky hot and of one has a shirt on........and stuff just happens......i wish i could recapture that innocence......that sweetness. everytime i smell fresh mown hay....i flashback to those kind of memories......ah, must be careful....this kind of thinking could get me into trouble ;) no Amish boys around here to seduce but....there is a Mennonite young gentleman farmer not far from me.......i could pitch his woman in the well then make my move.......i think i'd be perfect playing the role of a Southern-fried dirtroad Jezebel. (*oh, i'm sure i'm goin' to hell, now*) down here, every town has a Jezebel or two.....the kind of woman (or faggot for that matter) that would go to a Methodist camp meeting and seduce the humpy deacons.......i, personally, never went after the deacons...but at Baptist summer-camp.....we always had these very earnest, hauntingly beautiful, remarkably young seminary students who worked as camp counselors...........and i fell in love with each and every one of 'em and my hot, sultry summers were filled with wild flights of fevered imaginings, Baroque (or Southern Gothic?) plots and schemings. oh God! it must be the humidity!!!!!!
when i was at Baptist summer camp, i usually could manufacture a few credible "dark nights of the soul" so i could seek out whichever counselor i had taken a fancy to for some 'counseling': there wasn't a fresh-faced barely 19 or 20 Baptist seminarian who stood a chance against a 14 yr. old boy who was a wanton seductress of such depraved perversity that nothing like him could EVER find its way into the Bible.......=) when i look back on some of the stuff i've done, i think "wow!" then i think "i have the morals of a snake" but i did love those guys......because at that age love was moony-eyed heartsickness and trembling when one of them brushed my arm or put his hand on my shoulder at the sing-a-longs. the beauty of these boys or these 'barely men' was in how sincere, eager, and really caring they were...trying so hard to be wise and learned...they were like way kewl older brothers but no one had brothers who were so incredibly humpy, y'knowhutimean? besides, they were old enough for us to admire....but young enough to not be creepy and young enough to join in the play........i can't imagine no place where there are such vast oceans of innocent homoeroticism like here in the South. like my grandma used to say about boys messin' around. "Ah hell! what's the fuss 'bout?!?!?!? everybody diddles around." as long as it is not acknowledged it is considered the most natural thing in the world.
so, i invite y'all to come down for the humidity and cut some hay. and remember, swimming holes are always open, always free, and clothing optional down this part of the country..............