Thursday, February 9, 2012

some tea, for you.

i think working this odd schedule has an unexpected benefit:  keeps me above the gossip-mill.  Sister Page finally caught up with me yesterday and she was, like, "oooh chile, i got some 'tea' for you!"  "spill some of it my way,then!" 
 
oh.   Lord.
 
apparently the main churches in town (as in where all the country-club set go to hang out with Jeebus) and the country-club set  have been consumed in a conflagration of degeneracy:
  • The Presbyterian minister was caught screwing one of the junior vps from the bank.  the jr. vp's wife hopped in her Beemer and headed back to Atlanta. 
  • The queen who is over the floral arrangements in the sanctuary of the Episcopagan church got into a slobber-knockin' fight with the organist/music director from the United Methodist church.  it's hilarious.  the flower guy hired a black guy named G to "trim the hedges" and other general yard-work.  now, G's a nice fellow...he worked with my mom at the factory.  G. brings a special "tool" with him to work with.....it's big, black, reminiscent of an anaconda,and is about 11" x 7".  well, Larry (the organist/music director at the UMC) heard about G's special tool and wanted him to come "trim his hedges," too.   of course, G has to go where the money is and so he was over at Larry's house for an interview; it is only 3 houses down from the Episcopagan flower-guy's house down in the "Hysterical" district.  anyhoo......Paulette M. who lives across the street saw G go over to Larry's and she calls the Episcopagan flower-guy and asks him, "why yo' yard man over at Larry's and not trimmin' yo' hedges?"   well, flower-guy goes ape-shit, runs screaming out the front door. across the porch, and down the steps.  He runs over to Larry's and commences to raising some serious hell....screeching, "bitch, G is MY yard man and you ain' gon' poach him!   now, Larry didn't appreciate this high-ciditty queen from the Episcopagan church trying to cuss him out in his own y ard so he rolls on out in the yard where a decrepit queen bitch-slap frenzy ensues.  in front of the whole neighborhood, even.  Lala R, Mrs. Mailey, and the whole Gamma Iota chapter witnessed it all.  i figure the Flower guy won the slap fest since i still see G is "trimming the hedges" over there.  
  • Althea Green (it's a pseudonym...i chose Althea since she looks sort of like a goat) supposedly has been out of the First Baptist Church for a month recovering from sinus surgeries.  well, she show's up last Sunday to reveal a new face....she had work done.  a prayer chain has been started in hopes the Lord will fix her face!!  the consensus is she now looks something like the progeny from a mating between a Siamese cat and one of those grey UFO people with no eyelids.
  • the minister at Glory Rock Tabernacle of the Apostolic Holy Name, COGIC, AME, ETC has been caught out spending special prayerful times with the church treasurer (she's old enough to be his granny) and apparently the books have been cooked.  several church officers have been asked to consider their time and work on administrative shit to be "love-donations" since the church was strapped for cash.  well, the cash was there but was diverted to  more than double the minister's pay.  gunshots were fired in the church parking lot.
  • the local Murder Center (that's what some folks call a RMC [i.e., regional medical center]) has lost it's "jewel-in-the-crown."  Last year, they brought in some dude as their new medical-director for mental/behavioural health.  well, it seems he does not have a medical license and has never been to med school.  the DEA number he's been using belongs to a retired-with-Alzheimer's physician who lives in a nursing home in Augusta GA.  the "word" is....the CEO of the RMC met with the editor and publisher of local papers and has paid to keep it quiet.
  • Mayor M has been giving television interviews under the influence of the malt-liquor, again.
  • a scion of one of the First Families has inadvertantly outed himself to the whole worl'.  he composed an email warning his friends to be on the look-out for a man-ho who had stolen some of his jewelry and credit cards.  he also included very explicit photos of the man-ho in his missive.  the problem arose when he sent the email:  apparently he put or selected the option "ALL" for the target address.  so, the congregants at 3 episcopagan churches, the members of the regional Red Cross listserv, the membership of 2 different country clubs, the Friends of the Library, and the _____________ School Alumni Association received this explicit e:mail from him.   i got multiple copies since i am a member of some of the same organizations.  (the man-ho did look good and the peen was 'prodigous')
  • the vice president of the local Home-Schooler's Association was caught trying to pay someone to take the SAT for her "exceptionally gifted, talented, and smarter-than-your-kids daughter. 
ah, small towns.  gotta love 'em.