Tuesday, June 19, 2012

101 Things, or "this list is long like my dick"

  1. i love my cock. i mean, i really LOVE my cock: the weight of it, the girth, the length....how it swings and how i catch dudes gettin' a peek in the shower at the gym. my balls are awesome.
  2. i've got blocky hands that look weird. the fingers are kind of tapering and somewhat spatulate at the tips--20+yrs. of piano lessons will do that. i've got large knuckles and thick veins on the backs of 'em. the materials manager for my lab has to special order XL latex gloves for me.
  3. i can swear in mandarin.
  4. i loathe the colour pink.
  5. i am a quiet/low talker.
  6. my favourite food is spinach with mushrooms.
  7. i can guage my attraction to a man by the degree to which i feel diminished in his presence....by how ugly, tongue-tied, unaccomplished, and ungraceful i feel.
  8. guys with good haircuts and wearing glasses make me 'hawt.'
  9. i usually wear neutral colours and earth tones. lots of green. rarely, i will wear a jewel tone like garnet or sapphire/royal blue. never pink.
  10. i have a scar over my right eye beneath the brow.
  11. in relationships, i do too much or not enough.
  12. i like the smells of lavender, sandalwood, cedar, grass, tobacco, magnolia, leather, and balsam. i only like the smells of vanilla, cinammon, clove, and cardamom when i am baking.
  13. my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers...this is a "gay trait."
  14. i am forgetful.
  15. i prefer snail mail to email.....even as a kid, i liked going to the post office.
  16. my favourite drink is water over crushed ice.
  17. if it is love, i swallow.
  18. i am a febreze addict. i buy it in bulk everytime i go to Sam's club.
  19. i don't like people who think 'fashion' is important. it isn't because fashion is not style.
  20. i like to imagine myself as ruthless, brutal, and punishing.
  21. crowded, noisy places bother me.
  22. i rarely wear jewelry of any kind.
  23. i like piggy banks that look like pigs.
  24. i dream in colour. the most disturbing dream i've had recently was one of having incredible sex on a waterslide that ran the length of 5th avenue thru the historic district at the end of the slide the guy i was fucking climbs off my dick and says "i'm 15" i woke up screaming "what the fuck!?!?!?" (*he looked older, i swear*)
  25. i like it when a guy jerks off for me. ex-husband #3 would strip naked and stand before me....without touching himself, he'd become erect and oooze pre-cum for me......we never held off long enough to find out if he could cum that way......
  26. i hate it when someone sticks his tongue in my ear or screws up a beautiful blowjob by trying to stick a finger up my butt.
  27. if i need to, i can take a piss just about anywhere.
  28. i am blessed to have known and have strong women in my life.
  29. i think i should find a sailor to be my man, 'cause i am as immutable and volatile as the sea.
  30. i once had pretensions of being a poet.
  31. Hera is my favourite of the greek pantheon---her rage is perfect and absolute and completely justified.
  32. Njord is my favourite of the Norse pantheon---i want to be mysterious and powerful.
  33. i am heavily olfactorily and tactiley keyed......i cannot help but to touch, taste, and smell my lover(s).
  34. i have deep abiding trust in the faithfulness of my asshole and do not look after i take a shit. to do otherwise is a betrayal of my own asshole.
  35. i intend to never, ever lack for toilet paper.
  36. i love the sounds and rhythms of men's speech.
  37. i have dreamed i was house in which the men i've loved are safe and happy. probably this is very odd for a top to do.
  38. i know what the force thru the green fuse that the poet Dylan Thomas used as a metaphor means.
  39. i know what it means to be haunted.
  40. i hoard change and am terrified of being destitute. i also pick up every loose button i come across...
  41. i am too aware of pain, suffering, and death and dislike it in my 'entertainment.' schlocky monster movies don't count.
  42. i can deep throat a 10 incher.
  43. i think Foucault is over-rated, as is Derrida.
  44. i am process focused most times and enjoy the making of a cake, a scarf, a bookshelf and sometimes am very ambivalent about the outcomes. i paint the same way.
  45. i only pretend to be smart and i fear i'm only clever.
  46. i sunburn very very easily. it's why i prefer the beach at night or when it is raining. i fell in love with a boy once who promised me midnight walks on the beach under a gentle rain. he lied.
  47. i hate oysters. i hate mussels even more.
  48. babies, cats, children under 8, dogs, and pot bellied pigs like me....i am so kewl that way. kids b/n the ages of 9 and 22 annoy me.
  49. i prefer unselfconscious masculinity and hate the contrived varieties of it---the gay leather scene is sooo stupid to me, that way. desperately seeking 'authenticity' heralds the utter lack of it and the utter lack of the possibility it will ever be achieved. one is, or one is not.
  50. i am a man and will never apologize for it....see #1.
  51. i hate democrats, republicans, mormons, liberals, conservatives, opportunists, wiccans, white people, the French, experts, black people, asians, vegetarians,"hard" universalists, homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, Polynesians, prolifers, pro choicers, ecofundamentalists, dead people, pundits, afficionados, atheists, muslims, agnostics, catholics, protestants, or any kind of cultists....essentially anyone who can identify as anything but "homo-sexist." tho' anyone who can sum themselves up as anykind of ____-ist is a very suspect personality, imho.
  52. i have dark blue eyes that become greyer the madder i become......
  53. i once seduced one of my best-friend's ex boyfriends just to see if his dick was as nice as she said it was....it wasn't.....she's obviously not seen very much quality dick in her life. come to think of it, who has??
  54. i have a tiny mole at the lower right of the cleft of my upper lip. i love the myth that it was formed by an angel placing his finger there before we're born to remind our souls not to reveal all it knows or remembers.
  55. cleft chins are sexy, cleft palates disturb me.
  56. i wish i could fart at will. i can't....my friend Logan could and it was amazing.
  57. i think ducks are God's comedians and usually laugh when i see a duck.
  58. i probably don't masturbate enough. i hate to hurry and i've so little time and a quick "rubbing one out" just doesn't seem like it would be that satisfactory to me.
  59. i feel like a real grown up when i get my bills in order and send them off at the post office then balance my checking account.
  60. i'm terrified of illness.
  61. i have said "a perfumed asshole is still an asshole." i will stand by that assertion.
  62. i wish i was as diligent and as well-organized as my mom.
  63. i lack discipline.
  64. i lack a trusting soul and expect betrayal. i pray that it isn't so.....
  65. i am impatient at all the wrong times but patient when i should not be.
  66. porn just makes me sad and i think i'm weird that porn seems so pointless despite its being such a huge, lucrative industry. maybe it's because i cannot stop myself trying to imagine the stories of the people performing and those are never happy stories.
  67. i need a very loyal and devoted personal assistant/secretary....one who considers giving his boss foot massages and long, luxuriant blow jobs a Christian duty and his life's mission.
  68. i dance like no one's watching.
  69. i don't understand the whole cut vs. uncut debate. good dick is good dick.
  70. i believe cultural relativism is a treacherously slippery slope and requires one to be very very careful.
  71. i am very arrogant but hopefully in a charming way.
  72. i love bunny rabbits, particularly Belgian Giants, and those little dwarf himalayans.
  73. i loved riding around the lake on my put-put boat, it's a cruiser...not built for speed. i hate to hurry.
  74. i cannot imagine not living near water.
  75. i am uncertain how many of the books on my bookshelves are there out of my own conceit and pretension. probably all of them.
  76. i hate klezmer music.
  77. i am allergic to the latex/sap of fig trees and the trichome oils in the leaves. i love fig/pecan pie.
  78. i do not react to poison oak or poison ivy.
  79. goldenrods are my favourite fall flower and look for them every year 'cause it means this lethal heat and oppressive mugginess is ending.
  80. i prefer gestures and actions to go with words of love, affection, and devotion. words aren't cheap but they are so much better accompanied by something physical/tangible.
  81. i am too much in love with my own interiority.
  82. i would abuse any god-like powers if i had them.
  83. i use humour and self deprecation defensively.
  84. i know very deeply what the philosopher Ken Wilbur calls "skin-hunger"
  85. i am shallow and vainglorious.
  86. i am afraid of what i want.
  87. i am glad that i'm too cheap to ever be a yarn snob.
  88. i am bothered when people use the words "nauseous" and "nauseated" interchangeably.
  89. i count things....how many steps i take from one place to the next....how many cars i see as i drive....
  90. i am creeped out by people who don't wash their hands after using public toilet facilities.
  91. i am not over any of my ex-husbands or ex boyfriends and probably never will be. love is forever it seems.
  92. i seem to delight in the fact that despite all i've been through and as old as i am, i still indulge in little crushes and i'm glad for it.
  93. i wear a size 13/14 shoe depending on the manufacturer.
  94. i spend too much money on stupid things that i don't need: last week i bought a 35 piece 1920-something Limoges desert set at a local antique shop.
  95. i prefer waiting to see a movie on DVD than going to a theater to see it. as i get older i resent more and more things that require me to leave my house.
  96. i hated the times that i lived in big cities. here in a small town, when i see a good lookin' man i can usually find out his name and who his momma and daddy are in about 10-15'.
  97. i hate the awareness of my parents' mortality.
  98. i am a compulsive listmaker.
  99. i am a pack rat but loathe clutter. i think organizing tons of useless stuff into my house is a way of showing the world that i DO have my shit together.
  100. i am often lonely.
  101. i am endlessly self-contradictory and not really self-conflicted about it.