Friday, December 14, 2012

secrets

passage from William Howarth's essay on Rachel Carson in the Summer 2005 The American Scholar really struck me:
"Secrecy is an important ingredient in imagination, allowing us to pretend and invent, and some experts say that we have no self until it learns to keep secrets. children who have invisible twins or talkative dolls are on a sound mental path. Those living with tyrants who demand perfection or glory often have trouble maturing. They learn to inhibit their needs and conform to dictates, creating a false self that hides what it truly wants...They put others first and assume a sacrificial mien, embracing denial as their duty."
Howarth concludes that Carson's life was such a captivity-narrative and he forcefully concludes that reading is a particular salve/solace for those living a captivity-narrative:
"Reading provides a safe, cloistered life until it nurtures writing, a way of breaking free and reaching others."
Ouch! a painful resonance. i glibly dismiss the reasons for my own writing as merely OCD inspired graphophilia and move on without attending to much to what really is happening. tho' honestly i have doubts about the "reaching others" since i'm never certain as to who i reach and why. i don't know if the function is still available but at one time there was a macro that would show who i was listed as a "favourite of" and i was suprised at who had me on that list since i'd never read their diaries/blogs and they certainly left no notes/comments. writing is a mechanism of or defense against loneliness.....by assembling these onscreen flickers that someone might happen upon and read; allowing the pretense that I am real enough to be "heard." real enough to evoke/provoke a reaction. i'm uncertain if this is a sad attempt at validation seeking......i am unkind enough to have on occassion left other people's entries with the feeling that i was "slimed" by someone else's needy seeking of validation. my own personal horror at being perceived as a needy validation-seeker warrants some scrutiny but that takes time and i've so little of that. i really don't feel needy. i feel harried and bereft quite often, but "needy?" just not certain about it. i appreciate the differences between want and need and i actually need very little. i want quite a lot.
want1: to be desired, adored, and loved without feeling trapped or constrained....an object of worship without the necessity of listening to and answering prayers (megalomania?)(narcissism?)
want2: a little less interiority without the threat of too much exposure. (*to be the epitome of Cheshire Cat-edness?*)
want3: to be more powerful without attendant responsibilities (*this is probably a paraphrase of want1 that is more acknowledging of the cruelty that want1 implies*)
want4: to have absolute control over the perception of myself by others.
want5: long, luxurious, slow blowjobs and ball-licking from hot guys on demand, any time, any place, regardless of context and situation.
want6: the lack of the necessity to use toilet humour and second-voiced self-deprecation to deflect attention from uncomfortable subject matter, e.g., the content of want 5 and conclusion (*which will be the subject of the majority of most if not all comments this entry provokes, if any*)
 
conclusion: i'm a narcissistic megalomaniac with a modified messianic complex (sans the martyrdom fantasy)